Over The Bridge

I am not a fan of bridges, specifically driving over them.  I prefer to be in the middle of the bridge.  I have this fear that the bridge will collapse, the car will fall in the water and I'll be trapped.  A completely irrational fear as I've never seen a bridge collapse, let alone been on one while one crashes to its demise.

Golden Gate Bridge, California
View from the Marin Headlands

I'm not so afraid to walk across the bridge and I think the fear is not so much of the bridge but of being trapped should the car and I fall through the cracks.

A fear of being trapped, a real physical sensation of being trapped and an emotional fear of being trapped in life.

A year and a half ago we moved to France for 6 months.  It was to date one of the most liberating experiences I've had.

Eiffel Tower, Paris at Sunset

We didn't sell all our possessions, but we boxed them up for storage.  We sold my car and rented out our loft.  I left a job I loved (and coincidently took it up again upon my return).  We were fortunate that G's employer at the time Ok'ed him to telecommute.

I had no commitments, save French school 4 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 12 weeks.  Yet after class let out I would take my time getting home.  I would take a different route most days, turning left instead of right, crossing the river one day or walking alongside it the next.  Sometimes I would sit in the Luxembourg Gardens other times I'd come home, grabbing something to eat from the bakery opposite.  It was idyllic, not real life.  We weren't true expats.  We weren't permanently making our home in France.  

There's a danger in living a life that requires a checklist mentality.  The irony for me is I am a total checklist, plan ahead type of person but when we moved to France I realized the crucial aspect of living my life unencumbered by expectations, be they mine or others.

G and I are now walking a new path.  We've been back in the USA one year and 14 days and we're living in Oakland. G's at a new job, I commute to Los Gatos 3 times a week for mine, and we're a month or so away from being "live" in our quest to parenthood.  It's not what others expected and it's not what I expected, but it works, strangely enough it works - for now at least.

Jack London Square, Oakland

I used to blog with some regularity here and at my first site.  I recently read through old entries and I'm thankful to have documented key moments in life as well as the perfectly mundane.  As we continue on our pursuit of life, and specifically this season of adoption I want to document our journey.  I have often sought and found comfort from other hopeful parents, and if nothing else I want a record of the unexpected.

I still harbor a fear of being trapped, holding my breath slightly when we drive across a bridge but I still do it, I still cross the bridge.  

No comments:

Post a Comment